Satire Stories
While pursuing my bachelor's degree at the Florida Institute of Technology, I discovered there was no true appetite for student expression, especially inside the student newspaper. I needed an outlet for my creativity. These were some of the results.
Disgruntled English Professor Steals All but Eight Letter Es on FIT Campus
Satire, 2018
A profssor at th Florida Institut of Tchnology has stoln narly all instancs of the most common vowl in th nglish languag from th campus gounds.
Xaspratd by th univrsity’s continud dnial of his rqusts for a pay rais, Assistant Profssor John Frongillo of th Collg of Arts and Communication, stol narly th ntirty of th scond vowl from school.
Florida Tech Wins NRA’s “Safest Campus in America” Award
Satire, 2018
The National Rifle Association (NRA) has recognized Florida Tech as the safest university in the entire United States.
The NRA, in partnership with Secretary of Education Betsy Devos, began a study earlier this year to determine which areas in America were safest. After extensive study, it was discovered that there was a direct correlation between the safety of an area and the guns per square inch.
Students with GPA Above 3.5 to Receive Free Puppies from University
Satire, 2018
The Florida Institute of Technology has introduced a new policy to reward students who maintain a minimum 3.5 grade point average. Through the upcoming weeks, all students, including transfer students, who meet this requirement will be given a free bushel of puppies in recognition for their hard work.
Math Professor Introduces Rhombicosidodecahedrons to First Year Students
Satire, 2018
A professor at Florida Tech tried to explain to his freshmen students about the intricacies of his favorite shape, the rhombicosidodecahedron.
Thomas Marcinkowski, professor and program chair of mathematical sciences, began his Thursday lecture last week by introducing the subject of Archimedean solids.
Professor Spends Entire Tax Refund on Kuratas Fighting Robot
Satire, 2018
Professor Dzmitry Yuran of the College of Arts and Communication has used the entirety of his tax refund to purchase a Kuratas fighting robot according to familiar sources.
The four meter (13 ft) tall and nearly five-ton robot is operated by a single pilot and powered by a diesel-electric engine. Unveiled by Suidobashi Heavy Industries in 2012, the robot quickly earned a dedicated following around the world
1/3 of All GPA Puppies Given to Students Turn Out to Be Evil
Satire, 2018
In what can only be described as dichotomy in motion, at least a third of all the puppies presented to Florida Tech students have been discovered to be evil.
As previously reported, campus administrative personnel had begun a policy of rewarding students with GPAs above 3.5 with free puppies. However, less than one month after distributing the pallets of puppies to the student body, the university became inundated with disturbing reports of the animals and their near boundless appetite for horror.
